Mother’s Day

Today is a day we celebrate those who are mothers.  Be it birth mothers, adoptive mothers, step mothers, grandmothers, anyone with the title “MOM”.  But, I have realized this day means different things to different people.  Actually, it means more to some than it does for others.

For me, Mother’s Day is not a big deal.  Some may be sad about this, but don’t, I am ok with it.  I love being a mom and I am thankful that I have the two boys that I do.  It just hasn’t been a day I have celebrated much.

When my husband was deployed and the boys were younger, Mother’s Day meant that I still had to cook dinner for my children.  I still had to be mom and dad.  I had to help them get ready for bed.  I didn’t get flowers, I didn’t get to sleep in, I didn’t get a day off.  So, Mother’s Day because another day for me.

Also, over the past 15 years, my husband’s birthday has landed on Mother’s Day twice.  This meant I had to share the day with him.  We came up with an agreement where I would get breakfast as Mother’s Day and he would get the rest of the day as his birthday. I was never sad about this because I love my husband and he should get a day all his own too.

Mother’s Day just became another day for me.  I still got to hang out with my family and they would hug me and love me.  But it was still a day I had to do for others, instead of the other way around.  Now that my boys are teenagers, they are trying to recognize these special days.  It doesn’t always come out the way they want, but they are trying.  Like today, the boys were to make dinner for us, since I got home from work at 6pm.  Well, my youngest decided to try to make pancakes and eggs all by himself, he was trying to multitask.  I got home and there was a pan of burnt eggs and he was focused on the pancakes.  I got a good chuckle out of it.  Threw the eggs away and I started them again.  I loved the gesture and the effort and was not sad I needed to make them again.  He tried and that is what matters.

Although I think of Mother’s Day as a day just like any other does not mean I am unhappy.  I am happy that everyday I get to be a part of my children’s lives and without them I would not even have the title of MOM.  I am a proud adoptive mother and I would not change it for the world!!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the MOMs out there and I hope your day was as great as mine.

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree

I’m Conflicted

Being a mother I don’t usually put myself first.  My life has revolved around my children, my husband, and the person they have needed me to be.  There were moments when I thought about myself, I went to college and earned my degrees.  I volunteered at the schools, with the Boy Scouts, as a guardian ad litem.  But, every decision I made, in regards to my life and it’s direction, has revolved around them.

Until now…We are now settled into our new home, new town, and new things.  I now have a paying job that I love.  I work until about an hour after my boys get home from school.  Once I get home I have to start dinner.  It has been up to my husband to make sure homework is getting completed.  We have found that my youngest has not been completing his homework.  Both my husband and myself have believed him when he tells us he is completing it at school.

Today we have learned that he is not completing it at school.  He isn’t completing it at home either.  So, now I am at a cross roads.  I feel like I am letting my boys down by being selfish and working outside the home.  I have been a stay at home mother for the past 8 years.  It’s all they’ve known.  Sure, my volunteer work took me away from them but now everyday.  On the other hand, a huge part of me wants to work.  I like interacting with adults everyday.  I like what I do, and I am good at it.  I want to grow with the YMCA and use the well deserved degrees I have under my belt.  I want to be selfish for once and put my needs first.

Just saying that hurts my heart.  Am I hurting my boys for wanting something other than them in my life?   Am I telling them they don’t matter because I want to work and trust they can be responsible?  I thought things would be different.  One is almost 16 and the other is almost 13.  I have taught them well and have instilled values into them.  I have told them that work comes first, then pleasure.

At the high school’s orientation the principal said that parents need to let their children struggle.  It teaches them to be self sufficient and that there are real consequences for their actions.  We, as parents, are not doing our children a service by holding their hands and giving them the answers.  This has been my rationale for keeping my job.  My boys are smart, I have taught them well, and now it is time for them to decide what kind of man they want to grow into.

I know it will take time for my youngest to figure things out.  I plan on going to the school in the morning and talking with his case manager and seeing where we go from here.  The school has been great, he has been the one dropping the ball.  It is time for him to struggle and realize that he needs to step up and take care of things.  I can only do so much, he needs to decide where he goes from here.

I am still here for them, whenever they need me.  I am just afraid that they need me and I can’t see it, or won’t see it in the future.  Will they one day come to me and say that me working was the worst decision I ever made, that they needed me at home?  Am I choosing to put blinders on and not see what should be slapping me in the face?  Am I being selfish, or being a good mom by letting them finally struggle a bit?

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree

“MOM” can be a four letter word

Some time being mom sucks and is difficult.  Ok, in all honesty, being mom is a lot hard and sucks a lot.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and treasure my children.  I just wish they would forget how to say the word “mom”.  It would be amazing if they learned how to say “dad” some times too.

Don’t let me fool you, my children are 12 and 15, they know how to speak quite well, they are just missing a word in their vocabulary, “dad”.  If they want something they always come to me.  They will bypass my husband to come ask me a question.  They say they don’t want to bother him when he is playing on his phone of computer.  They don’t seem to mind talking to me while I am working on my computer or doing a chore.

Now I understand that I am the primary care taker for my children, but oftentimes I wish they would forget I exist.  Well, they do seem to forget I exist while they are playing video games, watching tv, or reading, but any other time they know where I am and how to push my buttons.

You would think after several hours of me leaving them alone to relax and chill, they would be more than happy to put down the book or electronic to help me out or do some thing productive with their day.  But nope, I bother them by asking them to step away.  I start to get the attitude, the snickering, the nagging, the whining.  It is horrible!!

I wish I could be dad for the day!!!

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree

My Mom Oasis

I was talking to my mother today about how the new house is set up.  One thing I mentioned was my office.  Usually my husband and I share a room, that is both of our offices.  However, in the new house we each have our own office.  He has a lot of things in his office and I needed a space to call all my own.  I share a room with my husband and it’s difficult to have some “me” time when someone can walk into a room at any time.

I have never really had my own space before.  I have not ever seen the point, until now.  Now that I have my own space, I can shut the door and ask people to leave me alone.  My husband has hooked my Roku to my computer screen (which is actually a TV).  I have my own office, but it is also known as the Mom Oasis!!  This is my space, where I can relax, watch some TV, or do whatever I want.  I even have a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door, that I took from a hotel once.

My mom doesn’t understand why I need an Oasis.  We have such a big house, why would I need my own space.  It’s simple.  There are times when I am frustrated, having a bad day, or just need some “me” time.  There really isn’t much to do in our small town.  I can go to the YMCA, but sometimes I just need to be alone.  My Oasis allows me to have alone time.  I have put my coloring things in my office, I have my computer, and my Roku.  My office is also attached to a bathroom, so I have everything I need right here.

It’s important to have some “me” time, it is how mom’s recharge their batteries.  It’s how I get to relax and not feel guilty for taking time for myself.  I am still available to my family, but if that door is closed it is in your best interest to walk away.  It’s not mean, and I don’t feel guilty, I am taking what I need in order to keep my sanity.  Especially when this mom is raising two special needs children.  This room is mine and I don’t have to share it with anyone.  I’m not going to feel guilty about that.

I think every mom should have an Oasis.  A spot they can call their own.  It doesn’t have to be an entire room, it could be a corner of a room.  It could be your bedroom.  You just need a space you can call your own.  A place where your family knows not to bother you.  Don’t feel guilty for asking for what you want, it’s how we take care of ourselves.  Because we all know that if mama ain’t happy, no one else is going to be happy either.

My husband told me to create my Oasis and I am very glad he did.  I like sitting at my desk, looking out the window.  My room is quiet, but accessible to my family.  I am still a part of my family, I now just have my own space.  I really like it and understand what my husband has been talking about.

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree

Getting Grounded

After a long week, of running Teacher Appreciation week and running our Boys Scout Troop’s fundraiser event, I was really tired and worn out.  So, my husband grounded me to my room.  I was not allowed to leave my room for anything.  Instead he brought me an adult beverage and some snacks.  I got to watch what I wanted on TV, I was able to relax and just stop for a bit.

I do love the volunteering I do, it keeps me busy and I love to help others.  Plus, both volunteering activities kept my mind busy so I would stop worrying about the upcoming move.  There was nothing left for me to do this past week.  However, when I do something I put in a one hundred percent.  This means I may have pushed my body and mind a little too far and I wasn’t giving myself any real breaks.

My husband actually had to step in a couple of times this past week and tell me to slow down, or even to stop.  He stepped up and took one of the things I volunteered for in the library.  Then, yesterday, he grounded me.  He knew I would not really take time for me upon coming home.  I would have cleaned, or worked on something else that needed to get done.  He made me take some much needed time off and I it was awesome.

He made dinner, he cleaned the pots and pans, he is amazing!!  Being grounded was a great way for me to take a break.  At first, I felt a little childish, but it became a fun joke.  And it helped remind me that I need to take care of me too.  I believe I do a good job in the self-care part of my life, but there are many times when I will put other’s needs before mine.  Having a husband who helps me realize when I need to take care of me makes me feel good.  I don’t feel guilty for taking some me time.  He takes care of things around the house and helps the boys with anything they need.

Being grounded was a much needed break and I am very glad I was able to take one, for I really needed it.  You should get grounded yourself.  Kids understand being grounded and that you aren’t to leave your room, so even little kids might leave you alone for a little while.

My point is that you need to take care of yourself, along with taking care of your family.  Because “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy”.  It’s not selfish to take care of yourself, it is to the benefit of all in your household.  Taking, even, small frequent breaks would help.  Take a drive, listen to your favorite station.  Take a bath and read a book.  Take a walk and see the wonderful world around you.  Find a hobby, take up exercising.  Find something you love to do and do it.  Take care of yourself, because you are all you have and you need to be on the top of your game.  Don’t make excuses, just do it!!

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree

His “Real Job”

I happened to be in our living room this evening working on a volunteer project.  My husband was in the kitchen talking with the boys, as they were finishing up dinner, when my oldest said, “I am always going to have homework.”  My husband’s response was, “I don’t have homework in my real job, but mom has homework with her volunteer work.”  I didn’t quite hear the answer, so I asked my husband to come tell me what he said.

He repeated the story and I became upset.  He couldn’t understand why!  I told him that my “real job” doesn’t have sick days, days off, vacation days, and I don’t get paid for it.  His “real job” is a day job where he gets to come home and no longer think about work.  He gets paid, he gets time off, he gets to take vacations.  True, I do go on vacation with him, but my “real job” comes with me.  He was shocked by my response and asked how he should have put it, and I told him he should have said his “paid job”.  Because my “real job” is being a mom!!!

I don’t know why I took such offense to his comment, but I did.  I just finished volunteering at the middle school for teacher appreciation week and I was in the process of finishing up some stuff for my last volunteer opportunity with the Boy Scout troop we are a part of.  So, on top of my motherly duties, I volunteer.  I love volunteering, it makes me feel useful and I get to do things for others.  It hurt my feelings, though, when my husband said his “really job”.

It made me feel unappreciated and right before Mother’s Day.  I try very hard to keep this house running smoothly.  I have to maintain 4 people’s schedules, take care of this house, the cars, the move, the new house, the other hose we own.  There is so much going on at one time, that I feel like I am working 3-4 full time jobs.  At the end of the day, I am exhausted, have not been thanked for all I do, and usually want to cry because my youngest can’t seem to get it together and is very disrespectful in the evenings (that is a whole other story).

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken so much offense to what my husband said, I don’t know.  I think because he said it so close to Mother’s Day, it really struck a nerve.  I know he didn’t mean it to sound harsh, he loves me and respects the job I do everyday.  He just needs to think before he speaks, at times.

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree

A Scary Moment, that Made Me Realize I am where I belong

My husband went to pick our oldest up from soccer practice today.  And what I thought was going to be the phone call telling me they were on their way home, was nothing of the sort.  Instead it was my oldest in tears; my heart sank, but my mind took over and I calmed myself down.  I took a deep breathe and asked him what was going on.

He told me, “I slammed into another player during soccer practice and really hurt my head.”  He was telling me about the headache he was experiencing and wouldn’t stop crying.  I started out with my “mommy calm” voice, trying to get him to calm down.  You know the voice, its so soft and gentle it would put a baby to sleep.  That worked, but then he got excited again and started to cry.

I asked him, “did you at least knock the other kid on his ass?”  To which he responded, “no, he is a teammate.”  Apparently, though, it is ok to knock them on their ass if it is a member of an opposing team.  It took some time, but I got him to calm down and they started to come home.  My husband called, while driving home, and told me he wanted me to contact the soccer coach and ask about the concussion protocol.  I told him I would, but half way through the email I decided to look up the concussion protocol so I knew what to look for when they got home.  I chose not to send an email until I knew for certain.

They came home and I started talking to my son.  He was able to recall important data,  he could answer my questions, and he wasn’t dizzy or sick.  I chose to give him motrin and let him take the first shower.  These both helped him feel better and I have no real fear that he has a concussion, but I will be watching him closely.  We also let the coach know what was going on and my son will see the district trainer tomorrow for evaluation.

How did this event help me see I am where I am meant to be?  First, let me tell you some background.  My husband and I made an agreement many years ago that I would work on my education and upon him retiring from the Navy, we would trade places.  He would be a stay at home dad, while working on his education, and I would become the primary bread winner.  However, it has been very difficult for me to find a job that would pay me enough to take care of my family, the way my husband has taken care of us.

After tonight, I realized I was not meant to go back to work.  I asked my husband why he didn’t handle our son and I got the phone call?  My husband told me that I am better at calming our son down when he gets like this.  A few days ago there was another incident that my husband couldn’t handle and I did.  I am meant to be at home with my children and running our home.  I cannot be my husband and he can’t be me.  We are in the spots we are meant to be in and we are both very good at what we do.

Honestly, I was feeling guilty for not keeping my end of the bargain up, but am quickly realizing he isn’t either (LOL).  I think with him being home on vacation as much as he has been the past month, he realizes just how much I do and how busy I am.  I don’t think he really wants this job and all that it comes with.  I truly think our current life course is the one that was meant to be.  I get to be home and raise my children and my husband works to pay for it all (LOL).

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree

Being the Bad Guy

Being the bad guy sucks!!!!  I really don’t like being the one to tell my son that if his grades don’t go up, he’ll have to stop playing on the high school’s soccer team.  He doesn’t see that it is his actions that are causing his grades to go down.  Instead, all he sees is that mom is going to take away something he loves to do.  Even though he was the one who told me he was too busy and couldn’t handle it all.  I am still the bad guy.

Being mom is not always the best job.  There are days I wish I could be dad, even for the day.  I want to be the one who jokes with my boys. I want to be the one who doesn’t have to help them with homework, who doesn’t have to make them do things they don’t want to do.  I would much rather take them out to play, to play video games, to eat junk food.  In actually, my husband doesn’t do this with them often either.

Just imagine home life if we were able to hang out with our kids more.  There would still be doctors appointments and other responsibilities.  But, how great would it be if there was no homework?  I wouldn’t have to hear my son be frustrated because he doesn’t understand something.  I wouldn’t have to watch him cry because he isn’t getting down time.  I could enjoy watching his soccer games, no longer thinking about the homework he may not have completed.

I honestly love summer break (well, until the close to the end, because my kids do drive me bonkers at times).  I love being able to do things with my children.  We enjoy movie marathons.  We go to the pool.  We hang out and play board games.  We get to have conversations that don’t revolve around homework, grades, and school.  I get to know my children outside of school and I love every minute of it.

Sometimes my guilt from being the bad guy makes me do things that I am not always proud of.  I feel like I bribe my children to love me after I bring out the bad guy.  I will take them to go get frozen yogurt a day or two later.  Or, I will take them out to eat.  I will usually bribe them with food.  It eases my guilt, but only a little.

I want to hear my children laugh more.  I don’t want to yell at them about getting homework done.  I want to play games with them more.  I don’t want to stay up late getting them through the last bit of assignments.  I know practice is important, but can we please stop sending them home with so much to do?  Let them enjoy their childhood.  Let them have some down time.  Let me have a break and help me stop being the bad guy.

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree

 

Trying to do it ALL

I make a joke that goes like this, “I make very good money being a housewife.  My husband does not make very good money being in the military.”  I have not ever had to explain this joke until last night.  I was in line at Target and I made the joke to the lady behind, because the topic of jobs came into conversation.

The nice lady said she had been in the store since 9am.  Where I replied, “That’s a long day, I understand that, I am a stay-at-home mom.”  I said that there are some that think I don’t do much with my day and the lady stated she was once a stay-at-home mom and she understood.  That is when the joke was told.  She looked at me very confusingly.  I told her that my hubby makes the money, but once it comes into the bank account, I am the one who spends it.  She got the joke and that was the end of that conversation.

Today I started thinking about what those who work outside the home do on a Saturday.  I know that most of them don’t take their work home with them, but I also know that most of them have busy weekends because they are at work all week.  Then I began thinking about what I do on weekends and realized I do exactly the same thing everyday.  I don’t have weekends, I don’t have holidays, I don’t have sick days.

Oh man, a conversation I had with my son the other night comes to mind.  We were talking about how he and his father complain and are big babies when they are sick.  My son, who is 15, says, “but mom, you complain when you are sick too.”  My husband sucked in his voice, knowing what was coming next, he knew our son stepped in it big time.  I told my son, “what do you do all day when you are sick?”  He said, “I watch tv and rest”.  “Who makes your meals when you are sick?”  “You do mom.”  Then I asked him what I do when I am sick.  He shrugged his shoulders.  I asked him who makes my meals when I am sick, again he shrugged his shoulders.  I then had to school my son that I still have to go about my day and get things done and I am the one who makes my meals, and I make their meals, all while I am sick.

Sorry, that was on topic, but a tangent at the same time.  Please, don’t think I am complaining, being a mom is a great job and I love it.  I just don’t love it all the time.  I really don’t care if that statement makes anyone mad, because if it does, then you are not a mom.  I am responsible for 4 people, their schedules, their schedules, their appointments.  People laugh because my calendar is color coded, it is the easiest way to remember which appointment belongs to which person.

My day consists of errands, chores, appointments, homework, meals, laundry…. While, trying to take care of myself too.  It is mom’s fault when something gets missed.  It is mom’s fault when something doesn’t get done.  It’s mom’s fault when the kids grow up to be crazy or bad.  It’s dad’s fault never.  I have to remind my boys, often, that they have a father they can go ask questions to.

I am not complaining, staying busy helps me keep my mind sharp and from getting bored.  But, some times I need to not be responsible for it ALL.  It takes a lot of energy trying to take care of it all!!  It takes a lot of brain power and will power trying to be a good mom.  I honestly don’t know how working moms do it all.  They work all day and then come home and are mom during the evenings and on weekends.  They have a strength that is admiral.  Working moms amaze me.

Like I said, I love being a mom.  I love watching my boys grow up.  I love doing things for my family.  But some time it would be nice to see them do things for themselves.  Don’t get me wrong, they do A LOT for themselves, and they do a lot to help around the house too.  All in all, I have some pretty great children.  I have a wonderful husband who is supportive and works hard so I can stay home to raise our children full time.

The point is, it is tiring.  We don’t get a lot of appreciation for the work we do everyday.  Trying to do it all, all the time is hard.  Want to make a mom’s day, tell her how much you appreciate her, even if she isn’t your mom or someone you know.  The future of our children are put on a mother’s shoulders.  That is a lot of weight to carry.

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree

Weathering the Storm

This past weekend I had plans to meet up with other mothers of special needs children for a much needed break.  Since losing m respite care last month, I haven’t really gotten any “off” time as a mom.  This weekend was to be my break.  We had plans to get a bit pampered, play some board games, binge watch a TV series, and just enjoy each other’s company.

The plans were in place and we were all ready to go. Then, after such a mild winter, the craziest snow storm hits Virginia, North Carolina, and South Carolina.  You see, I was to travel 7 hours from VA to the border of NC and SC.  I left Friday morning, with plans to be there by dinner time.  Some of the Mamas got there Thursday night, but I didn’t feel comfortable driving in the snow at night.  Well, I got about 2.5 hours away from home when I found out the place we were staying lost power and the Mamas were iced in.  I made the decision to return home, which took me about 5 hours, the snow just kept falling.

Coming home was a HUGH disappointment, for I really wanted to be with my friends and get a break from being mom.  On the flip side, this storm made me realize just how strong my friends and I are.  We were determined to not let the weather get in our way and we would work hard at getting what was needed.  This is how we live our daily lives.  We are, what seems like, always fighting for someone we love.

We attend IEP meetings, fighting the schools to get our children the services they deserve.  We are battling psychiatrists, therapists, OTs, PTs, ABA therapists, insurance companies, etc.  Sometimes we are battling our spouses.  Many times we are battling ourselves.  There are times when the calm sets in and we are not battling anyone for anything, then the other shoe drops and we are back in battling mode.  Personally, I am in a state of readiness to fight from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep.  I feel like if I take a break and am not ready to fight, then I won’t be prepared when the battle comes.  Yes, it is stressful, time consuming, and not the way I want to live.  But, when you are raising a special needs child, being ready is the only thing we can control.

So, what does this all have to do with weathering the storm?  I, and many others, were prepared to fight our way to a weekend away from being mom.  Several actually made it the day before.  But those who were there had to deal with no power, food, and no way out for a day and a half.  I spent 8 hours in my car battling the storm to get home safely.  When we battle, the end is not always what we want it to be, but it does help remind us that there is something worth fighting for!!!

Thanks for Reading,
House Wife with Degree